Goodbye Grandpa!

20.04.2008 - 8.48am

Received an sms from my sister that goes "gor, Ah gong just passed away abt an hr ago. Mum asks if u can come back earlier. Else it's ok."

That woke me up from my 4 hrs of sleep after coming back from Taichung late into the night and brought reality to my worst fear during my trip to Taiwan.I've nothing more to say at this juncture, except tracing my grandpa now in my memories and sobbing/crying alone here in Taipei on a Sunday morning.

My grandpa is a scrawny old man who's 1 head shorter than me. He loves to wear his wafer thin white undershirt n blue pyjamus pants at home. My memories of him could be traced back to 1990 when I first stayed in his place for my entire Primary 1 year.

He took really good care of his 2nd grandson - that's me - and drove me back and forth to my school in his old toyota corolla even though my school was only 200m away. He taught me my first Hokkien dialect words and served as translator to my grandma. I only knew Chinese then while my grandma only knew Hokkien. It's hilarious come to think of it how grandson and grandparents communicated back then. He loved chucking drumsticks into my bowl and made sure I always had more than enough to eat. Never was I hungry.

He brought me to his tailor shop then in old Hougang and tried teaching me how to sell clothes and make some clothes/curtains. I never learnt cos I hated it. I tried to hitch a ride on his red motorcycle whenever he went to work. I never once managed to get my ride cos he felt it was too dangerous. Nonetheless, I had my best freedom then cos he allowed me to do whatever I wanted - gg to longkangs to fish guppies, cycle on the road outside and sneaking to the mama shop behind to buy nutella snacks.

After Pri 1, I moved out to my own house and contact became less frequent. Still, he was there whenever I lost my house keys and whenever I was hungry in school. He always made sure I'm alright and seeing him and grandma always brought a sense of comfort.

*pause, tears are starting to swell and there I go crying again...where's my tissue papers?*

Ok, back. Contact with grandpa dwindled and it was only in the aunual CNY visits that I saw him. Teenage years then. Neither could I be bothered then about the need to visit my grandpa.

It was only till 3 years back when I started noticing something wrong with grandpa. His hands were started to tremor involuntarily, his attention span shortened and his gaze was more fixated. Yup, I was the first to notice he had Parkinson's and indeed he was diagnosed a few months later. His condition deteriorated over the years. I was frequently called by my mother to use my free expertise to check upon his condition by my mum, hearing his heart and lungs, cleaning his sacral pressure sores, changing nappies, forcing a nasogastric tube into his nose and nearly a urinary catheter as well. I hated it back then but took to the tasks since no one else could do it.

There's many regrets now that I'm tracing this mini memory log. But there's nothing I can do now too. Worse, I'm stuck in Taipei w/o being able to help my mum out with funeral stuff. "Am I an unfilial grandson?" I keep pondering that qn today. My mum told me to stay and continue with my electives here cos changing the air tickets will waste more $. Sigh, how I wish I can do something to help but I can't.

I am glad though my grandpa died a seemingly peaceful death, in the bedroom of his beloved house and on the bed he has slept for countless decades. He died w/o his hated nasogastric tube because he yanked it out a few days ago and he died w/o any struggles because it was in his sleep that he passed away. A couple of major worries he left behind but I don't think anything mattered for now.

Grandpa, u'll be sorely missed cos u're the only grandpa I ever had! Please do forgive me that I can't be with you in ur last journey. *sob sob* Please do take care of grandma from above cos u've always been been her pillar of support throughout times and I've no idea what would happen to her now that she is w/o you. And if you do hear me, have a peaceful journey in Heaven and protect all of us here who miss you lots!

Goodbye GRANDPA!