Feelings and Fear

I dunno why but I'm feeling pretty down today. Was it because I could not ask anyone out on Saturday, or was it because of the big red pimples on my face, or was it the effects of a sprained butt or hamstring muscle from Karate training, or was it from the studying of abdomen just now? I've no idea! Maybe, just maybe, I'm just like one of the others who suffer from a sudden temporary shift of mood and emotions... :(

Having a crush on someone, be it a gal or a guy (shit, I sound gay), is such a strange and contradictary feeling. All the time, you are thinking of the sweetness when you are close to this person, the sweetness of sharing those happy moments and your innermost feelings with this person. Yet, however, human nature makes you shy away when the oppportunity to get together arises. It feels like being thrown into a whirlpool and be left to suffocate as you let yourself get deeper and deeper into it. The feeling sucks totally, but yet, the aftertaste is one to yearn for.

Why is it so? I think it all boils down to fear, yes, FEAR! What fear? The fear of rejection, the fear of losing out to someone better, the fear of being mocked and ridiculed by others in a failed attempt. It makes me hold back and keep back the feelings to myself. Yes, I belong to the group who fears of being rejected and I totally hate that feeling. In fact, I think I am a super coward when it comes to relationship. I may act like a big clown when it comes to Rag& Flag or drama. I can become good friends easily to many people whom I meet. But when it comes to getting into a relationship, I think I'm a big coward who runs away easily from reality!

I envy couples who lovely-dovely stroll down the roads, snugging sweetly together as they spend their time together. I applaud people who openly express their feelings for their dream gal/dude and are rewarded much because of their efforts to step out and make the 1st move. And I do admire people who are rejected after their confessions. In fact, I admire them the most because they dare to step out and face their worse enemies - fear & rejection. In the faces of these people, I feel so small and so tiny, because I do not even have the courage to do so. Excuses - I need to study, now's not the time (then when's the time?), my parents forbid - are all but an escape of realism. I feel so shitty in front of them...

Now that I know fear is the work of all evils, at least in this case, what will I do? In the end, will I have to settle for something less, something less perfect from my ideal just because I can't bring myself to face my relationship fears? To tell the truth, I still have no idea. Maybe I'm just running away again... Running from the realism of life... Running away from my feelings and into the realms of FEAR!