A Lesson I've Learnt

What an enjoyable week it has to be for this week! 1 day more of official holiday, 1 day of tutorial holiday (which makes it a 3-day school week), last run of the movie 'De-Lovely' on wednesday, a mind boggling Prof Ling's tutorial and a super filling RajaInn porridge buffet. Yummy! If only every week was this good!

As I was jogging during the week, I was pondering whether to go beyond my normal distance of 5km with a troubled hamstring (biceps femoris) injury. Well, being a pretty avid runner, I decided to tell myself to stop when I could feel the strain. Yup, as expected, the strain came back at about the 1 km mark, and it was hurting worse than previously. However, not to disappoint myself, I told myself to keep going and pushing, that this pain I'm feeling is only temporary. I went on, and on, and on...despite the pain. In the end, I completed my run for the day and of course, the injury was worse than before as well.

However, I felt this run was more thought-provoking than ever. Y was I running harder and longer than before when there's hamstring injury, esp since I've not injured my hamstrings before? The answer didn't have to wait for long and it came in the form of a little boy who was learning how to ride a bike in the void deck.

The boy fell off the bike. He sobbed gently and was disappointed with his attempt. He dared not get onto the bike for a while, even despite his mum's coaxing. Then came his younger sister who was spinning around in her bike and gleefully saying these words 'If you don't continue to try, you'll never know how to ride a bicycle. Just try lah!'

It reminded me so much about the Pri 1 days when I kept felling off the bicycle in front of all my relatives. Did I stop trying? I think not. Instead, it made me much more motivated to get my cycling skills correct. The journey of learning is not easy. It NEVER was. However, the fruit at the end of the journey was sweeter and served as a greater motivator. It is the same in learning any skills, and that includes studies as well. We fumble and we grumble and we frustrate ourselves along the way. But it should not deter our goals we've set in mind. I've learnt to cycle soon after and I'm glad I did because I've an undying and strong passion for cycling and speed. I ran even harder because I love the thrill of running and the cool breeze that slaps into my face. I've another goal now - to become a good doctor. Will I or will I not be? I'm looking towards proving myself.

What I Want For Christmas!

1. A Mountain-bike to 'rev' the streets
2. A big & huge haversack bag
3. A peace of mind (from everything!)
4. Good CA grades (for now)
5. A job/biz to start earning money
6. Keep in touch with as many friends
7. A Singapore Amazing Race participation
8. All bills for the next year to be settled
9. A hot tough chick (is there one out there?)
10. That Santa Claus exist to fulfil Victor's wishes!!
11. Last but not least, if Santa Claus does exist, "THANK YOU !"

Forgetting...

"Forgotten"

That's the 1st movie that I've watch in at least 3 mths! Got invited by lam-bricals, as Meng Chon likes to be called, to watch 'the biggest jawdropper since the Sixth Sense' with Ernest, Chris Ho, Bingzhu & Ray. Yup, it was indeed jawdropping, but for the wrong reasons. It's about a mum in search of her 'missing' son - Sam - who was apparently 'abducted' away by 'them' after a mysterious plane crash. It touches on the bonds formed in a mother-son relationship and how 'one of them' is trying to erase the memories of those who participated in this experiment focusing on that particular relationship, otherwise, the experiment is deemed to have failed. Strange story plot and it got me more confused than ever after the movie. Vickz rating: ~ Watch it if you wanna kill time ~

"Forgotten"

After watching the show, I thought back about the title and contents of the show. I was reflecting about myself, about how much my character have changed from JC to Army to NUS. It seems like for the past 3-4 mths, I kept focusing on 'enjoying the 1st yr in Med' and had forgotten about being myself and back to my roots. I've had too much of play, so much so that I'm so lost about what I'm doing, and even about my purpose of existing, being a student and being in Medicine. I tried to be different, tried to change my beliefs, tried to be participate in all the activities (cos I dun wanna miss out on anything), even tried not to study (so that I wun follow the norm and be a mugger). In the end, what had happened? I had strayed far far away from myself and had to pull my lost soul very hard to myself again.

Have I changed a lot? I think I did. For good or for worse? I've not much idea either. Is it going to be worse? I hope not. Today shall be a start and thanks to the movie, I think I've found a start to my monotonous life now. I'm looking forward to a change. A better change this time round, a change that I can start to believe in myself again. Good luck to me because I think I'm finally seeing a more promising life, filled with more fulfilment!

Where are you?

I feel so tired! And I think I need a break to totally recharge myself! The preparations for the CA is having a toil on me and I am beginning to hate all that studying till late night! Why have I subjected myself to such tremendous torture? Why...Y am I studying so hard for the 1st time in my life just to pass MCQs??

My oh my, I think I am collapsing from my inner emotions and feelings as well. Where is she when I need her the most? Where is she when I need to seek solace and comfort, away from the stress compounded from the world? Am I slowly losing herfrom my grip and my mind? Is she even ever gonna be there for me? I wanna know all the answers but I am totally clueless.

Clueless, helpless and tired, I rather disappear from this world, far away from the torture that's killing me. Who could feel this pain and sorrow? No one, no one but me, lonely and painfully...

Hair & Vanity

While studying with my sisters (2 younger ones in fact) over the weekend, I discovered the elder one had actually dyed her hair! Not to a very fantastic colour I must say, but she did her hair black because of the numerous white hair sprouting ard.

So... This had actually led me on thinking whether I should streak my hair too and I thought it might be a great idea to de-stress as well! Haha! :> This is a strange reversal from my previous opinion that black is natural and everyone should appreciate their own hair colour. Dying or streaking hair is an 'insult' to the naturals we own.

Hey! As time grew, I think I might have found an answer to this dying/streaking hair 'nonsence'. It reflects something about the approach of teenagers and young adults, people of around my age. It is the yearn to explore something new, to approach something (in this case, age?) or an idea in a more radical, diverse way. It is about the need to express their uniqueness and speciality, that they are all too different from one another. And not the ONE SAME BORING kind! Cool! Maybe that's why teenagers are always getting into all sorts of trouble for their expressions as well! ^_^

The thought of streaking my hair is refreshing. Yes, it's something new to me, and I guess it's also about me wanting to be vain and to seek attention as well huh?! It's a daring approach to me because I'm not quite sure whether my parents or even myself can accept it. There's a fear witholding me back - a fear of being a mockery, a fear of being TOO different from the rest, a fear to conform to our prim & proper society! Yet, however, there's a calling inside to try, a need to seek a different attention, a yearn to be more vain (at least for now? haha). Which will get the better of me?

Enough of crapping and procrastination. I think I shall go get my hair done this week as part of my holiday celebrations. What colour shall it be? U decide? I've no idea what I will decide either. Till then, I'll ponder about whether I will look better or whether I will look worse... ...

A 'Kopitiam' Tale

What can you get for $0.80 nowadays? A few sweets, or a few pees in the toilet, a donation for charity sticker? Well, I got myself a cup of thick coffee + a liverpool vs birmingham game + clouds of fresh cigarette + who knows what other 'goodies' I've received

As I was watching the game, it's pretty fun observing the type of people around who were there to contribute to my soccer atmosphere. There were the old 'Ah Peks' drinking pints after pints of beer, with their incessant lighting of cigarettes (thus contributing to the 'fresh' air around), there were the young secondary school kids slurping drinks and eating 'hor fun' for supper, there was a crippled hopping around for a seat with good view, a couple who were there chatting up instead of watching the game, and me, who should instead be studying at home!

It's amazing to me how soccer binds all these people from all different walks of life together. You can almost sense the 'unity' in these spectators as they curse & swear at any players at fault and jumping for joy whenever a beautiful goal is scored. Not only is it in Singapore, all over the world, for the 2 hrs that the game is played, the hearts of the fervent 'football' fans are united as one, praying and cheering hard for the teams that they support to win. It is a phenomenon that is unparallel & not seen in any other games or politics. Just look at World Cup 2002 in Korea. For the period of time, there's no stupid Korean war games and both North & South Korea even managed to come together to support their team! Peace & Football does co-exist afterall.

Yet however, the same games almost always manage to divide people, dividing the minds of males & females, dividing loving couples and dividing the best of friends. Guys love soccer, the power of controlling the game with their feet and scoring the most beautiful and classical goals. Girls don't - in fact, they find it too puzzling about why 22 guys chase after a stupid ball in a 100m X 50m field when the time spent could be better spent with family. How can friendships be easily broken? Just ask good friends who support opposite teams in a football game. Any unhappiness caused by the game can be spilled over to each other and the quarrels unleashed severely strain any good ties formed.

I guess the attractiveness of soccer would lie in its irony and unpredictability. Yes, I came up with this conclusion when Birmingham scored the only goal of the game to beat Liverpool at Anfield in 26 years. How amazing, considering that Liverpool should have gone 4-5 goals up, but in the end, they still lost! The unpredictability is the reason why the game keeps people on their toes (of course with their huge bets and money at stake!) and why people keep following the game day in, day out, month in, month out, year in and year out!

Right now, I can only think of my sleep after the intense match. I think I'm a jinx too. For the 2 games that I've been watching, the favourites lost - Liverpool at the hands of Birmingham and Arsenal to Man U. It happened last year too, when I was betting on matches. I lost my money, my favourite teams lost their matches. At least I've become smarter this time - I am not betting anymore but to enjoy the flow of the games. The teams still lost, but not me... Haha! I'm the winner!

Summary of my Friday

Never knew Medicine had so many November Babies!! Jian Hong, Denise, Rachel, Shameer, Yingci, Wong Yi, Iris and god knows who else all have their birthdays over this weekend. It just mage me and Jean postulate a theory that indeed parents get more romantic in Feb and thus created us such smart beings as a reult of their tender love! Haha...

Yesterday I've skipped a lecture for the 1st time - Prof Voon's lecture somemore. Felt damn guilty trying to study Physio outside LT instead, but really thought there's no point in attending to learn the same concepts again and again which keeps confusing me. I'm just different I guess, always doing different things. "Roll Eyes" Went to Munchie Monkeys later on for lunch to celebrate Iris's birthday. "Where's Junwei?" Haha... Kept teasing her about it until she was so afraid. Oops.. Things did not help either when she saw my cam pics of other couples around. Hee, guess she's scared now. Anyway, dessert in Munchie Monkeys was so-so, esp my Tiramisu. Should hv tried something else, like the Italian Choc Cake, it was not bad. Their pasta looks good too, although the queue and waiting can really piss pple off. The 'chio' waitresses, if there are, only made up for that tiny winy bit of patience.

Had a cool tau-pok session after Prof Ho's confusing and scary tutorial, where names were just continuously called out. Mine was not, even though I only posted 1 ans. 'Phew' Yeah, back to topic, poor Jian Hong had all dirty clothes thrown over him, including a brown unclaimed underwear on his face, before the terror took place. Imagine 20 male human bodies piled on top of you, plus the dirty linen, and you trying to breathe thru the suffocation, and with a little Victor squiggling at the top of the pile. Haha. Jian Hong couldn't breathe man. I know it does hurts because my friend cracked his ribs before. Oops, hope nothing happens to you either. Denise, you are lucky to escape! The cake after the 'tekan' session is cool! A cakefull of white choc and black choc. Yummy!

Played soccer later on. It's really interesting to see how the guys got all hyper while kicking the round circular ball while gals at one side look all so disinterested. Some advice for soccer - never play barefooted and never play when u suspect hamstring injuries. Jing Xiang got the first one when he tore his fascia (dunno superficial or deep) but it hurts till he could not chase the ball. And of course, I got the 2nd one and it really hurts. Pulled it when I raised my left leg too high and pulled it. Sucks. Could not sit or sleep properly. Looks like I'm out from exercisng for weeks...

Thanks to the injury, I got to go shopping with Jean and Nat Koh to get stuff for Denise. As they shopped, it got me wondernig how easy it is to earn money from gals. Give them some powder, mix it with different colours for them to choose and 'wala', they pay you for it! Am I right gals out there?? Guys, next time just observe when you accompany gals to shop. They get excited real reasily upon chancing cosmetic stuff and it'll be deja-vu for you! But I must say it's quite fun shopping with them. I got to talk lots of crap and hear about all the whinings that gals have. It's a fair exchange, isn't it?

I'm awaiting for Sunday's Jazz event to come. Anyone going for it?

So Cutew! 

Ambition & Realism

Oh my gosh, I've actually managed to get onto my own blog with my own com! Better cherish this moment to blog something or 2! Hee... This really cheers up my day! :)

Long before entering Medicine, I had an aspiration - to be a nice, caring and efficient doctor, well-loved by all his friends and patients. A doctor whom all can confide to and trust, a doctor who can also effectively manage all his patients with his top-notch skills. I told that to the interview panel. They took into my words and gave me a place to fulfil my dreams.

A year before stepping into school, my Medical Officers (MOs) told me my dream was noble and a brave one indeed. However, they told me too that I must be realistic and Medicine is not at all as picturesque as it projects. In fact, they had discouraged me to come into Medicine, saying that I had a better future in anywhere else with my 'talents'. Why? I asked them... 'It's too tough and the world is not as rosy as you see it to be.' I did not believe and refuted their words.

It has been 4 mths into Medicine now. Looking at all the marks that I am getting, and all the brains that are competing with each other, indeed, I'm begining to understand and digest their words. It's getting pretty unbearable as everyone just keeps studying and absorbing all day from their books and scrutinising and looking out for any competitors whom might mount a challenge to their grades. This daily tension is getting upon my nerves at times. Day by day, as the lectures and tutorials wear on, I ask myself why I had put myself into such a situation. Wasn't it all for the pride and glam as a doctor at stake? Wasn't studying to be a doctor supposedly a fun and enjoyable process? Wasn't studying Medicine suppose to make us kinder and more caring to everyone?

Perhaps, the evil Medicine thoughts are slowly creeping into my head. Everything done now is to get into the good books (suck up!!) of the Profs so that passing exams would be less a chore, so that promotions would be a breeze, so that the way to becoming a doctor, or a specialist, is guaranteed safe! Not for the patients but for the $$, so let's reap the hell out of them by putting them through unnecessary tests! Why, why has my views about Medicine start to change? Why has everyone changed after coming in, or is it only me?

I had refused to change but rather be myself upon entering school. I told myself to enjoy myself, join all the activities and refuse to be sucked into the 'mugging' culture of the faculty. I couldn't. Though you may be passing, but upon getting grades far worse than most of the cohort, the panic button unknowingly gets activated. Yes, I have officially become a part-time mugger of the Med Lib and looking on to be a full-time one soon. Sigh, my world is getting obscured and I wanna get out of it. Can I?

I'm keeping my spirits high. Everyday I put on a smile, as I know with each day that past, I am a step closer to my ambition. The road is tough, demanding and does not have an end. But I'm keeping my vision alive. To study hard, and play as hard as possible as well, to show others that yes, Medicine is not all about mugging, but more importantly, having a life! A life filled with joy and passion, a passion for the things we do and the patients that we care for! Yeah, I think I feel more alive with a clearer sight of my dreams now! :)

Feelings and Fear

I dunno why but I'm feeling pretty down today. Was it because I could not ask anyone out on Saturday, or was it because of the big red pimples on my face, or was it the effects of a sprained butt or hamstring muscle from Karate training, or was it from the studying of abdomen just now? I've no idea! Maybe, just maybe, I'm just like one of the others who suffer from a sudden temporary shift of mood and emotions... :(

Having a crush on someone, be it a gal or a guy (shit, I sound gay), is such a strange and contradictary feeling. All the time, you are thinking of the sweetness when you are close to this person, the sweetness of sharing those happy moments and your innermost feelings with this person. Yet, however, human nature makes you shy away when the oppportunity to get together arises. It feels like being thrown into a whirlpool and be left to suffocate as you let yourself get deeper and deeper into it. The feeling sucks totally, but yet, the aftertaste is one to yearn for.

Why is it so? I think it all boils down to fear, yes, FEAR! What fear? The fear of rejection, the fear of losing out to someone better, the fear of being mocked and ridiculed by others in a failed attempt. It makes me hold back and keep back the feelings to myself. Yes, I belong to the group who fears of being rejected and I totally hate that feeling. In fact, I think I am a super coward when it comes to relationship. I may act like a big clown when it comes to Rag& Flag or drama. I can become good friends easily to many people whom I meet. But when it comes to getting into a relationship, I think I'm a big coward who runs away easily from reality!

I envy couples who lovely-dovely stroll down the roads, snugging sweetly together as they spend their time together. I applaud people who openly express their feelings for their dream gal/dude and are rewarded much because of their efforts to step out and make the 1st move. And I do admire people who are rejected after their confessions. In fact, I admire them the most because they dare to step out and face their worse enemies - fear & rejection. In the faces of these people, I feel so small and so tiny, because I do not even have the courage to do so. Excuses - I need to study, now's not the time (then when's the time?), my parents forbid - are all but an escape of realism. I feel so shitty in front of them...

Now that I know fear is the work of all evils, at least in this case, what will I do? In the end, will I have to settle for something less, something less perfect from my ideal just because I can't bring myself to face my relationship fears? To tell the truth, I still have no idea. Maybe I'm just running away again... Running from the realism of life... Running away from my feelings and into the realms of FEAR!